Those who know me know I tend to operate by my gut feelings. I don't know that I believe in psychic abilities or anything like that, but there are some things in life I just know to be true. I have a very good sense of the world, and can maneuver it easily because of this. People come to me for advice constantly. I am able to make sense of situations quickly and I think it is because of this instinct I have. I also know my body very well. My doctor is amazed that I can diagnose myself pretty accurately. I will tell him I have a sinus infection and tonsillitis, and I need an antibiotic. He will chuckle and examine and sure enough- I am right. I just know my body.
I have also always been afraid I would have fertility problems. I have said this since high school. No doctor ever said anything to imply this, but I just had a feeling I would have some sort of struggle. It was part of why I was antsy to get started trying. I was pleasantly suprised when I got pregnant easily. I decided my gut was wrong and then went through the emotions I talked about below. I knew we have had a good run with life and this was yet another gift from God.
When I miscarried the 2nd time I had a moment of clarity. This moment of clarity came at 3am after my friend got in from NYC, but I was able to find a sense of calm after working through these feelings. My gut does tell me I will be a mom. I just see this for myself and Paul. I always have. And, my gut has been right to this point. So I just need to have faith that things will work out.
In comes google. I was born with a birth defect (which my mom also had a gut instinct about) and I started looking into it. It required surgery and I am very lucky to be where I am today, but my doctors at the time did not foresee any other complications throughout my life. There was not a lot of information about this abnormality until recent years. Now there is debate about it being genetic. It can also cause other abnormalities like a misshapen uterus. Both of these things could potentially cause my miscarriages. I started to panic. Maybe these miscarriages weren't flukes. Maybe there is something wrong wtih me. Maybe I will never be able to carry a baby to term.
So for the last few days I go back and forth. My gut tells me I will be a mom, so I just need to relax and let this journey continue as planned. My brain tells me "Test for these things! Solve this problem. Take control or you may never have a healthy baby." Or, maybe I need to find a combination of the 2. Maybe I will need to intervene at some point to ensure our success.
For today, as I battle these 2 thoughts, I turn to the serenity prayer. This is something I struggle with, and pray for regularly.
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Slipped away
So I'm not usually an Avril fan, but this song got to me. I think the following lyrics really sum up the loss I feel...
"I hope you can hear me, I remember it clearly... The day you slipped away, Was the day I found it won't be the same."
What I am mourning is more than the loss of my babies. It is the loss of innocence. Many of the joys of my future pregnancies have been ripped away from me. I'm rippled by fear. I was forever changed the day I realized how hard this would be.
This song also touches on how hard it is to lose something without saying goodbye. It is hard to explain how much you loved your unborn babies. They grew inside of you, and you never got to see their faces. They very silently slipped away before we even had a say in the matter. This is a very different kind of greif than we are used to feeling when we lose a loved one.
Here are the song lyrics to the whole song, and a link to the song...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxAAspHOfF4
I miss you, Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found
It won't be the same
I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't
Oh I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by
Now you're gone Now you're gone
There you go There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone Now you're gone
There you go There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back
"I hope you can hear me, I remember it clearly... The day you slipped away, Was the day I found it won't be the same."
What I am mourning is more than the loss of my babies. It is the loss of innocence. Many of the joys of my future pregnancies have been ripped away from me. I'm rippled by fear. I was forever changed the day I realized how hard this would be.
This song also touches on how hard it is to lose something without saying goodbye. It is hard to explain how much you loved your unborn babies. They grew inside of you, and you never got to see their faces. They very silently slipped away before we even had a say in the matter. This is a very different kind of greif than we are used to feeling when we lose a loved one.
Here are the song lyrics to the whole song, and a link to the song...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxAAspHOfF4
I miss you, Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found
It won't be the same
I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't
Oh I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by
Now you're gone Now you're gone
There you go There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone Now you're gone
There you go There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back
Monday, June 16, 2008
Life is just a chair of bowlies.
This post is to say how much I appreciate my wonderful support system. Within minutes of finding out we lost the baby, 1 friend had booked a plane ticket to come visit 2 days later. She said she wanted to come make me laugh. Another good friend booked a ticket for the following weekend. My mom and brother were in town as fast as possible too.
My weekend post- D & C was not miserable. We told old stories. We stayed up till 3am giggling. We watched "Lars in the Real World" and some old "How I Met Your Mother" episodes. We ate Red Velvet Cake (from my friend's favorite bakery in NYC) and cookies. As my friend and mom and I were sitting outside eating fresh cherries in the sun, I was reminded of a mug my mom bought me when I was sick as a kid.
Life is just a chair of bowlies.
Yes, life is just a chair of bowlies sometimes.
...Happy Father's Day...
My goal in this blog is to be utterly truthful with no sugar coating. I know the thought process I am going through today is not healthy, and that I'm not to blame for my loss, but here goes.
To my husband,
Happy Father's Day. You will make a wonderful father some day. I'm sorry your Father's Day was spent taking care of me after our loss and we don't have a baby to celebrate the day. I got to experience joy on Mother's Day with good pregnancy news, and you are experiencing sadness on your day. I was not even able to get you a card and I feel guilty. You are my rock through this and I hope we are able to celebrate a day in your honor next year.
To my husband,
Happy Father's Day. You will make a wonderful father some day. I'm sorry your Father's Day was spent taking care of me after our loss and we don't have a baby to celebrate the day. I got to experience joy on Mother's Day with good pregnancy news, and you are experiencing sadness on your day. I was not even able to get you a card and I feel guilty. You are my rock through this and I hope we are able to celebrate a day in your honor next year.
Holy Mother of Sweat
I am a sweaty, stinky, wet mess. My dogs don't even want to lay by me.
Nobody warned me about this fun side effect of miscarriage. I had a d & c 4 days ago and this kicked in about 2 days after that. I am normally cold when others are warm. I wear jackets in the summer. I did get considerably warmer when I was pregnant and thought that was as bad as I got.
I wake up in a pool of sweat and can feel it roll down my body throughout the day. I found out it is due to falling estrogen and is basically what women going through menopause experience.
Anyway, consider this fair warning for anyone who may be going through a similar situation. There is a good chance you will be stinky and gross for a few days.
Nobody warned me about this fun side effect of miscarriage. I had a d & c 4 days ago and this kicked in about 2 days after that. I am normally cold when others are warm. I wear jackets in the summer. I did get considerably warmer when I was pregnant and thought that was as bad as I got.
I wake up in a pool of sweat and can feel it roll down my body throughout the day. I found out it is due to falling estrogen and is basically what women going through menopause experience.
Anyway, consider this fair warning for anyone who may be going through a similar situation. There is a good chance you will be stinky and gross for a few days.
The journey thus far
I thought I should document our journey to this point while it is still in my mind. It's been a wild ride, and I'm sure I will try to sort through the details at a later point to sort through it all.
December, 2007.... BFP first month of trying! My luck in life continues with pregnancy. I tend to think of myself as a fortunate person who has had a good ride in life. Good things happen to me and to my my husband too. I tend to believe in Karma, and we live a good life and good things come our way. Feelings of gratitude and happiness overwhelm me for a week. I spread the news to family and close friends because you know... miscarriage is rare. That is not in the picture for 2 lucky people like us.
5 days later, I take a pregnancy test out of the blue. Only 1 line shows up. A fluke right? Unfortunately not. I go to the doctor for another round of betas and my fear is confirmed. A miscarriage is inevitable.
I spend the next 2 months playing through the events of that short week. Did I do everything right? I was in Italy 2 weeks before my BFP. Did I drink too much wine and strong Italian coffee? Did I imagine the 8 or so pregnancy tests I took? Maybe I wished myself pregnant since I wanted it so much.
It's also amazing how bonded I felt to that baby in my 5 days of being pregnant. I felt pregnant. I had a secret. I loved my baby. We had a perfect little Christmas gift and the holiday season would be wonderful and memorable. I had dreams about our little family. An August baby felt right. We would have a little Leo. A Leo's personality sounds just like my husband. Awww, I would have a little Paul running around in 8 months.
I sort through those feelings and questions in my head, and 2 months later, we start TTC again. DH is ready, I am ready. 2 months of charting and bam! BFP in early May again! Perhaps it will be easy after all. I had a very proactive Doctor who took betas right away. I got a weak showing at HCG of 12, and progesterone of 19. The Doctor puts me on progesterone supplements. Perhaps this will help me sustain this pregnancy since my numbers were low. I'm conflicted with feelings. I tend to be an optimist, but I am terrified it will happen again. I have some light spotting. Miscarriage feels like a possibility, and anxiety overwhelms me. I stay home for the next 2 days terrified it is going to happen again. Then I finally get my 2nd round of betas just in time for Mother's Day. They more than doubled at 132, and I start to feel more comfortable. They chalk the spotting up to late implantation bleeding. We celebrate, and I ease into happy thoughts again.
We go to our 6 week, 2 day ultrasound. We're ready to see the heartbeat, but I am aware that sometimes 6 weeks may be too early. The ultrasound tech says I am measuring about a week behind, maybe I just miscalculated my dates. She can't find a heartbeat, but at these measurements that would be normal. The doctor does an exam and says everything feels completely normal and he can't say there is anything wrong with this pregnancy. Perhaps we aren't getting accurate measurements because of my tipped uterus. He has betas drawn again. He expects them to be between 5-10,000 and warns me that even if they are on the low side things can be ok. The next day I get a call with the results.... they are 14,000! Another up for us after a low the previous day. 14,000, our little bean is growing!
7 week, 1 day ultrasound comes. We have a heartbeat! The doctor is out so we just see the tech. She tells us to come back so she can get a better measurement. She doesn't indicate anything is wrong, and I think she is just being cautious because of the uterus. She wants us to see another tech next week. I know that the statistics go down considerably after seeing the heartbeat, so I start to really bond with this pregnancy. The bloat is killing me and we have a vacation planned in a few weeks, so I buy maternity clothes. My stomach is amazing. I know it is bloat at this point, but you can see a baby gut (especially in maternity clothes that don't suck me in.) I look pregnant. I feel pregnant. I haven't had any morning sickness, but I eat constantly. I have had food aversions and cravings, and I am figuring this out.
8.5 weeks, I'm ready to see arm buds! I had looked up images online and our little raspberry should be moving around at this point. I have been tracking the size of the baby compared to fruit for the last month, and I'm thrilled to be a raspberry. That's pretty big compared to a poppy seed at week 4!
The ultrasound tech is quiet. I ask frantically, do you see a heartbeat? She said no, unfortunately not. I cry immediately. We sit in silence for a few minutes and she shakes her head and says she is sorry. She points out a point where the sac appears to be caving in a bit indicating a miscarriage. There has been no growth in the last week. Our baby must have died shortly after the last ultrasound.
We meet with the doctor after what feels like an eternity. My husband stares at me sprawled out on the table with tears streaming into my hair and ears. He has tears in his eyes just watching me. I know the loss of pregnancy is hard on him, but it's even harder for him to see me like this. He has kept himself cautiously guarded. He held back on excitement for the most part, although seeing the heartbeat had a huge impact on him. But for now he is in protection mode for me. He has a job to do- to take care of me for the next week or so, and I can tell he is terrified of what the next few days may be like for us.
The doctor explains our options and we elect to do a D & C the following day at his recommendation. More on that later...
I'm sure I will touch on these events in the future, but this is a pretty good timeline of our baby journey to this point.
December, 2007.... BFP first month of trying! My luck in life continues with pregnancy. I tend to think of myself as a fortunate person who has had a good ride in life. Good things happen to me and to my my husband too. I tend to believe in Karma, and we live a good life and good things come our way. Feelings of gratitude and happiness overwhelm me for a week. I spread the news to family and close friends because you know... miscarriage is rare. That is not in the picture for 2 lucky people like us.
5 days later, I take a pregnancy test out of the blue. Only 1 line shows up. A fluke right? Unfortunately not. I go to the doctor for another round of betas and my fear is confirmed. A miscarriage is inevitable.
I spend the next 2 months playing through the events of that short week. Did I do everything right? I was in Italy 2 weeks before my BFP. Did I drink too much wine and strong Italian coffee? Did I imagine the 8 or so pregnancy tests I took? Maybe I wished myself pregnant since I wanted it so much.
It's also amazing how bonded I felt to that baby in my 5 days of being pregnant. I felt pregnant. I had a secret. I loved my baby. We had a perfect little Christmas gift and the holiday season would be wonderful and memorable. I had dreams about our little family. An August baby felt right. We would have a little Leo. A Leo's personality sounds just like my husband. Awww, I would have a little Paul running around in 8 months.
I sort through those feelings and questions in my head, and 2 months later, we start TTC again. DH is ready, I am ready. 2 months of charting and bam! BFP in early May again! Perhaps it will be easy after all. I had a very proactive Doctor who took betas right away. I got a weak showing at HCG of 12, and progesterone of 19. The Doctor puts me on progesterone supplements. Perhaps this will help me sustain this pregnancy since my numbers were low. I'm conflicted with feelings. I tend to be an optimist, but I am terrified it will happen again. I have some light spotting. Miscarriage feels like a possibility, and anxiety overwhelms me. I stay home for the next 2 days terrified it is going to happen again. Then I finally get my 2nd round of betas just in time for Mother's Day. They more than doubled at 132, and I start to feel more comfortable. They chalk the spotting up to late implantation bleeding. We celebrate, and I ease into happy thoughts again.
We go to our 6 week, 2 day ultrasound. We're ready to see the heartbeat, but I am aware that sometimes 6 weeks may be too early. The ultrasound tech says I am measuring about a week behind, maybe I just miscalculated my dates. She can't find a heartbeat, but at these measurements that would be normal. The doctor does an exam and says everything feels completely normal and he can't say there is anything wrong with this pregnancy. Perhaps we aren't getting accurate measurements because of my tipped uterus. He has betas drawn again. He expects them to be between 5-10,000 and warns me that even if they are on the low side things can be ok. The next day I get a call with the results.... they are 14,000! Another up for us after a low the previous day. 14,000, our little bean is growing!
7 week, 1 day ultrasound comes. We have a heartbeat! The doctor is out so we just see the tech. She tells us to come back so she can get a better measurement. She doesn't indicate anything is wrong, and I think she is just being cautious because of the uterus. She wants us to see another tech next week. I know that the statistics go down considerably after seeing the heartbeat, so I start to really bond with this pregnancy. The bloat is killing me and we have a vacation planned in a few weeks, so I buy maternity clothes. My stomach is amazing. I know it is bloat at this point, but you can see a baby gut (especially in maternity clothes that don't suck me in.) I look pregnant. I feel pregnant. I haven't had any morning sickness, but I eat constantly. I have had food aversions and cravings, and I am figuring this out.
8.5 weeks, I'm ready to see arm buds! I had looked up images online and our little raspberry should be moving around at this point. I have been tracking the size of the baby compared to fruit for the last month, and I'm thrilled to be a raspberry. That's pretty big compared to a poppy seed at week 4!
The ultrasound tech is quiet. I ask frantically, do you see a heartbeat? She said no, unfortunately not. I cry immediately. We sit in silence for a few minutes and she shakes her head and says she is sorry. She points out a point where the sac appears to be caving in a bit indicating a miscarriage. There has been no growth in the last week. Our baby must have died shortly after the last ultrasound.
We meet with the doctor after what feels like an eternity. My husband stares at me sprawled out on the table with tears streaming into my hair and ears. He has tears in his eyes just watching me. I know the loss of pregnancy is hard on him, but it's even harder for him to see me like this. He has kept himself cautiously guarded. He held back on excitement for the most part, although seeing the heartbeat had a huge impact on him. But for now he is in protection mode for me. He has a job to do- to take care of me for the next week or so, and I can tell he is terrified of what the next few days may be like for us.
The doctor explains our options and we elect to do a D & C the following day at his recommendation. More on that later...
I'm sure I will touch on these events in the future, but this is a pretty good timeline of our baby journey to this point.
Roller Coasters
Those of you who know me, know that I hate roller coasters. I have never really explained why I hate roller coasters to many people. Yes, I hate the droppy feeling. I hate getting sick, and I tend to get motion sickness. But it is more than that. I hate the feeling of not being able to turn back. When the bar goes over my shoulders I desperately want to kick and scream and yell "get me off of this thing! I made a mistake getting on. No logical person would intentionally get on this ride. I want off!" But I can't yell and scream. I sit there in my seat terrified. Then the roller coaster takes off and I have those emotions and more as I lurch up to the top of the track. Why do they always start with a drop? They don't even try to ease you into the ride. They tend to give you the biggest drop at the very beginning. Panic sets in and I am wildy thrown about for 3 minutes and I remind myself to never do that again. Then I wonder how why anyone would intentionally do this to themselves.
Well, the handle bars just slammed down again. I have now had 2 miscarriages, and I can't go back. I'm in for the long haul on this pregnancy journey. I thought I would get pregnant, and have a baby 9 months later. I dreaded morning sickness and stretch marks. Now I know I'm in for much more than that. I'm in for excitements and letdowns, and as I said before, I hate the droppy feeling. It's a journey I never signed up for, and I want off. I'm terrified of what lies ahead. I don't know that I can survive a 3rd miscarriage.
But I want a baby. I want a baby so much that reason does not matter. It's too late to get off of this ride. I felt a bond to my babies that I lost, and I long for that bond again. I'm strapped into this coaster and I will overcome it.
Let's just hope the drop at the beginning was the worst part...
Well, the handle bars just slammed down again. I have now had 2 miscarriages, and I can't go back. I'm in for the long haul on this pregnancy journey. I thought I would get pregnant, and have a baby 9 months later. I dreaded morning sickness and stretch marks. Now I know I'm in for much more than that. I'm in for excitements and letdowns, and as I said before, I hate the droppy feeling. It's a journey I never signed up for, and I want off. I'm terrified of what lies ahead. I don't know that I can survive a 3rd miscarriage.
But I want a baby. I want a baby so much that reason does not matter. It's too late to get off of this ride. I felt a bond to my babies that I lost, and I long for that bond again. I'm strapped into this coaster and I will overcome it.
Let's just hope the drop at the beginning was the worst part...
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