Instinct vs. logic

Those who know me know I tend to operate by my gut feelings. I don't know that I believe in psychic abilities or anything like that, but there are some things in life I just know to be true. I have a very good sense of the world, and can maneuver it easily because of this. People come to me for advice constantly. I am able to make sense of situations quickly and I think it is because of this instinct I have. I also know my body very well. My doctor is amazed that I can diagnose myself pretty accurately. I will tell him I have a sinus infection and tonsillitis, and I need an antibiotic. He will chuckle and examine and sure enough- I am right. I just know my body.

I have also always been afraid I would have fertility problems. I have said this since high school. No doctor ever said anything to imply this, but I just had a feeling I would have some sort of struggle. It was part of why I was antsy to get started trying. I was pleasantly suprised when I got pregnant easily. I decided my gut was wrong and then went through the emotions I talked about below. I knew we have had a good run with life and this was yet another gift from God.

When I miscarried the 2nd time I had a moment of clarity. This moment of clarity came at 3am after my friend got in from NYC, but I was able to find a sense of calm after working through these feelings. My gut does tell me I will be a mom. I just see this for myself and Paul. I always have. And, my gut has been right to this point. So I just need to have faith that things will work out.

In comes google. I was born with a birth defect (which my mom also had a gut instinct about) and I started looking into it. It required surgery and I am very lucky to be where I am today, but my doctors at the time did not foresee any other complications throughout my life. There was not a lot of information about this abnormality until recent years. Now there is debate about it being genetic. It can also cause other abnormalities like a misshapen uterus. Both of these things could potentially cause my miscarriages. I started to panic. Maybe these miscarriages weren't flukes. Maybe there is something wrong wtih me. Maybe I will never be able to carry a baby to term.

So for the last few days I go back and forth. My gut tells me I will be a mom, so I just need to relax and let this journey continue as planned. My brain tells me "Test for these things! Solve this problem. Take control or you may never have a healthy baby." Or, maybe I need to find a combination of the 2. Maybe I will need to intervene at some point to ensure our success.

For today, as I battle these 2 thoughts, I turn to the serenity prayer. This is something I struggle with, and pray for regularly.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.