The journey thus far

I thought I should document our journey to this point while it is still in my mind. It's been a wild ride, and I'm sure I will try to sort through the details at a later point to sort through it all.

December, 2007.... BFP first month of trying! My luck in life continues with pregnancy. I tend to think of myself as a fortunate person who has had a good ride in life. Good things happen to me and to my my husband too. I tend to believe in Karma, and we live a good life and good things come our way. Feelings of gratitude and happiness overwhelm me for a week. I spread the news to family and close friends because you know... miscarriage is rare. That is not in the picture for 2 lucky people like us.

5 days later, I take a pregnancy test out of the blue. Only 1 line shows up. A fluke right? Unfortunately not. I go to the doctor for another round of betas and my fear is confirmed. A miscarriage is inevitable.

I spend the next 2 months playing through the events of that short week. Did I do everything right? I was in Italy 2 weeks before my BFP. Did I drink too much wine and strong Italian coffee? Did I imagine the 8 or so pregnancy tests I took? Maybe I wished myself pregnant since I wanted it so much.

It's also amazing how bonded I felt to that baby in my 5 days of being pregnant. I felt pregnant. I had a secret. I loved my baby. We had a perfect little Christmas gift and the holiday season would be wonderful and memorable. I had dreams about our little family. An August baby felt right. We would have a little Leo. A Leo's personality sounds just like my husband. Awww, I would have a little Paul running around in 8 months.

I sort through those feelings and questions in my head, and 2 months later, we start TTC again. DH is ready, I am ready. 2 months of charting and bam! BFP in early May again! Perhaps it will be easy after all. I had a very proactive Doctor who took betas right away. I got a weak showing at HCG of 12, and progesterone of 19. The Doctor puts me on progesterone supplements. Perhaps this will help me sustain this pregnancy since my numbers were low. I'm conflicted with feelings. I tend to be an optimist, but I am terrified it will happen again. I have some light spotting. Miscarriage feels like a possibility, and anxiety overwhelms me. I stay home for the next 2 days terrified it is going to happen again. Then I finally get my 2nd round of betas just in time for Mother's Day. They more than doubled at 132, and I start to feel more comfortable. They chalk the spotting up to late implantation bleeding. We celebrate, and I ease into happy thoughts again.

We go to our 6 week, 2 day ultrasound. We're ready to see the heartbeat, but I am aware that sometimes 6 weeks may be too early. The ultrasound tech says I am measuring about a week behind, maybe I just miscalculated my dates. She can't find a heartbeat, but at these measurements that would be normal. The doctor does an exam and says everything feels completely normal and he can't say there is anything wrong with this pregnancy. Perhaps we aren't getting accurate measurements because of my tipped uterus. He has betas drawn again. He expects them to be between 5-10,000 and warns me that even if they are on the low side things can be ok. The next day I get a call with the results.... they are 14,000! Another up for us after a low the previous day. 14,000, our little bean is growing!

7 week, 1 day ultrasound comes. We have a heartbeat! The doctor is out so we just see the tech. She tells us to come back so she can get a better measurement. She doesn't indicate anything is wrong, and I think she is just being cautious because of the uterus. She wants us to see another tech next week. I know that the statistics go down considerably after seeing the heartbeat, so I start to really bond with this pregnancy. The bloat is killing me and we have a vacation planned in a few weeks, so I buy maternity clothes. My stomach is amazing. I know it is bloat at this point, but you can see a baby gut (especially in maternity clothes that don't suck me in.) I look pregnant. I feel pregnant. I haven't had any morning sickness, but I eat constantly. I have had food aversions and cravings, and I am figuring this out.

8.5 weeks, I'm ready to see arm buds! I had looked up images online and our little raspberry should be moving around at this point. I have been tracking the size of the baby compared to fruit for the last month, and I'm thrilled to be a raspberry. That's pretty big compared to a poppy seed at week 4!

The ultrasound tech is quiet. I ask frantically, do you see a heartbeat? She said no, unfortunately not. I cry immediately. We sit in silence for a few minutes and she shakes her head and says she is sorry. She points out a point where the sac appears to be caving in a bit indicating a miscarriage. There has been no growth in the last week. Our baby must have died shortly after the last ultrasound.

We meet with the doctor after what feels like an eternity. My husband stares at me sprawled out on the table with tears streaming into my hair and ears. He has tears in his eyes just watching me. I know the loss of pregnancy is hard on him, but it's even harder for him to see me like this. He has kept himself cautiously guarded. He held back on excitement for the most part, although seeing the heartbeat had a huge impact on him. But for now he is in protection mode for me. He has a job to do- to take care of me for the next week or so, and I can tell he is terrified of what the next few days may be like for us.

The doctor explains our options and we elect to do a D & C the following day at his recommendation. More on that later...

I'm sure I will touch on these events in the future, but this is a pretty good timeline of our baby journey to this point.