Roller Coasters

Those of you who know me, know that I hate roller coasters. I have never really explained why I hate roller coasters to many people. Yes, I hate the droppy feeling. I hate getting sick, and I tend to get motion sickness. But it is more than that. I hate the feeling of not being able to turn back. When the bar goes over my shoulders I desperately want to kick and scream and yell "get me off of this thing! I made a mistake getting on. No logical person would intentionally get on this ride. I want off!" But I can't yell and scream. I sit there in my seat terrified. Then the roller coaster takes off and I have those emotions and more as I lurch up to the top of the track. Why do they always start with a drop? They don't even try to ease you into the ride. They tend to give you the biggest drop at the very beginning. Panic sets in and I am wildy thrown about for 3 minutes and I remind myself to never do that again. Then I wonder how why anyone would intentionally do this to themselves.

Well, the handle bars just slammed down again. I have now had 2 miscarriages, and I can't go back. I'm in for the long haul on this pregnancy journey. I thought I would get pregnant, and have a baby 9 months later. I dreaded morning sickness and stretch marks. Now I know I'm in for much more than that. I'm in for excitements and letdowns, and as I said before, I hate the droppy feeling. It's a journey I never signed up for, and I want off. I'm terrified of what lies ahead. I don't know that I can survive a 3rd miscarriage.

But I want a baby. I want a baby so much that reason does not matter. It's too late to get off of this ride. I felt a bond to my babies that I lost, and I long for that bond again. I'm strapped into this coaster and I will overcome it.

Let's just hope the drop at the beginning was the worst part...